2003-06-12 | 2:40 p.m.

"Cheat-Proof Your Relationship" is the story de jour on MSN.

This disturbs me. Due to the fact that the article states "according to some reports, nearly 70 percent of all married men and 60 percent of married women have had affairs." Some reports, eh? Very convincing.

Cheat-proofing has apparently become an essential skill. So here are five tips to keep your significant other in check.

1. Keep Boundaries

This means that if you are married then you should stay within your own white picket fence, not hurdle your neighbor's and jump straight into his/her bed.

2. Don't Kid Yourself

I believe this translates to: Don't wear a tube top as a skirt and your best pasties out to 'happy hour' and act all shocked when you find yourself on your back in the bed of a el camino by sundown.

3. Demonstrate Trust

right... as in get each other's names tattooed somewhere 'special'

4. Communicate

For example...

Lover #1: do you want to have sex with other people, like, without me?

Lover #2: I dunno know, do you?

Lover #1: Well, not if you don't want me to

Lover #2: aww, you're so sweet to ask first

Lover #1: so is it cool I bang other chicks or what?

Lover #2: since you asked, I 'spose it's cool

Lover #1: now get back in the kitchen and fetch me a turkey pot pie!

.... and finally

5. Keep the Home Fires Burning

It's important to remeber that oral sex can be performed on your partner outside of birthdays, anniversaries, and in cases of extreme guilt.