2003-07-02 | 11:58 a.m.

Amongst the homeless and 35-year old "kids" selling M&Ms for their "baseball teams" on Chicago's Michigan Avenue this afternoon, I was thrust this hand-drawn pamphlet. Now, I've got nothing against the Jewish nor Jesus, but was this handout really warranted? To answer that question, I did the logical thing and examined its contents. Inside it explains that "Kosher" is just another word for "clean." Right. It then goes on to say that Jesus (aka the Jewish Messiah) said: "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unlcean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'" [Mathew 15:11] And it's by this logic the text goes on to illustrate that the one REAL thing that we as people should be concerned about is being the best "Kosher Me" we all can be, since God only accepts Kosher people into heaven and God is in the business of "Koshering" people. In conclusion, all of us who are not Kosher in God's opinion should probably go ahead and ask Jesus to clean us up so that we don't end up in hell. Yes, it's that simple. Just email Jesus' representatives at rockofisrl@aol.com and ask for his 15-minute tape/cd, which will explain all the things this pamphlet may have forgotten to cover. You can thank Ohio's very own Rock of Israel, Inc. for bringing you this urgent message. See you in heaven!