08.14.03 | 1:49 p.m.

I Just Took a Bite out of Madonnaís Ass

Holy Gap Batman! I had no idea what the corporate hipsters at the Michigan Ave. Gap were cooking up until my friend and I walked into what can only be perceived as a dance party. Upon entering "Club Gap" we were not greeted with the standard: "Welcome." Nope. Rather, we were thrust a cookie iced with a pictorial of Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliottís and Madonna's rear ends. "HAVE YOU SEEN THE MADONNA AND MISSY GAP COMMERICAL!?" screamed a 40-something sales attendant as she bopped around in her "skinny" jeans. We nodded. "GOOD! WELL, TODAY IF YOU BUY A PAIR OF SELECT JEANS OR CORDS YOU CAN HAVE YOUR INITIALS EMBROIDERED (motions to a man sewing in the storefront window) ON THE BACK FOR FREE!" As the pappy sounds of Soul Decision blasted from the makeshift DJ booth behind us we glared at our cookies and made our way to the stairs. Competing with the music, my friend yelled to me, "Are we at the Gap?" And to be honest, I couldnít really answer her. Fifteen minutes and three bad songs later, I had made my intended purchase: A gift for my friendís one-year-old daughterís birthday party.

Needless to say, I didnít opt to have any initials embroidered today. In fact, I think it would be okay with me if I never embroidered my initials on anything, ever.