09.16.03 | 9:25 a.m.

I am under the impression that the creators of my coveted 7th Heaven are either Satanists or the kind of folk who have half-assed Jerry Falwell shrines in the backs of their closets -- or, for that matter, both.

I say this because it blows my mind that this show is even, well, a show. The basic premise of the whole shebang is that the dad (a pastor) and his over-fertile-stay-at-home bitch of a wife must deal with all the trials and tribulations of raising their litter in a small, unforgiving white-bread town. In order to do this, the father must engage in a lot of (one-sided) dialogue with God -- who, in the show, really does work in mysterious and zany ways.

It is no wonder, given the kids oppressive religious upbringing, that their oldest son runs off to NYC and marries, gasp, a Jewish woman... their oldest daughter can't seem to "find" herself, so she is shipped off to live with her grandparents in Buffalo, NY -- where she falls in and out of engagements, finally secretly marrying a Spanish man who she rescued from a homeless shelter... the other, middle-aged daughter (who I like to call dog face) falls in love with one of the worst actors on television, who she ends up marrying her second year of college at the age of 20 and living with him in the garage apartment above her parent's house (a la Mamma's Family style) -- mind you, this is not her first engagement either... and then there is the younger brother, who accidentally runs down his friend's brother (who has a drug problem and therefore deserves what’s coming to ‘em) with his car, killing the druggie, thus forcing him off the show because he, too, runs away... and then we have the youngest daughter and the twin boy toddlers -- all of which have no purpose or role in the whole tangled Camden web. At least not yet.

Bottom line, I am convinced that the theme of the show is that kids really need to marry as young as possible so that they can start having sex. The father even warns that if you have premarital sex, that God (in the vein of Santa Claus) is watching. And as all red-blooded Americans know, sex before marriage is the worst kind of act a Christian child can commit. I would include all religions, but I don't think the Camden's really have the power to 'think outside the box.'

This is why I must watch the show. I relate to it on absolutely no level. As, I am not religious in the sense that I must attend a church service every Sunday for fear I may place myself in risk of burning in hell. Oh, and I have committed the ultimate offense: premarital sex. Oh yeah, I have been committing it for years. And all I have to say about that is, if 'getting some' is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Amen to that!

And in conclusion, this is why I harbor deep inside a sick addiction to the backward thinking Camden clan and all of their seven heavens.