04.27.04 | 1:37 p.m.

My big fat update.

This past weekend began on Thursday for me when I bellied up to my living room couch and television set. While I only had three drinks, the next morning my throbbing headache and severe dehydration suggested I may have made a judgement error in the mixing of those three drinks. When I went to the refrigerator, the evidence was clear: I had poured too much vodka and not enough tonic. Basically, I had downed three tumblers of Absolut in a three-hour period. In retrospect, that is probably why the show "ER" was hysterical. Right? Hell if I know, I was drunk.

So Friday (as I was all good and hungover at work) when I got an invite to an all-you-can-eat Schezwian buffet I was ecstatic. I ate all I could eat.

Later that night I met some friends for Mexican food and $21 pitchers of strawberry margaritas… and $70 later that night I was as good as drunk (again). But before I went home to spilt a half bag of tator tots with the boyfriend, I did my first "fruit loop." This is when you make your rounds around a crowded gay bar. Needless to say, I was ignored completely. I kind of liked that. [side note: the boyfriend did get "the stare" from one guy, which made his night – in a weird, twisted, and vanity inspired kind of way – since he was begining to feel like he didn’t ‘gay’ up to the rest of the men.]

Saturday I was stuck with a double hangover. Me and the boyfriend ate hotdogs and watched "Drum Line" on cable – more out of the comedy of the whole film, since we related to it on no level, whatsoever.

We then caught up with the "Chappelle’s Show" and a Richard Pryor comedy special, leaving us laughing hysterically on the outside, but also feeling very ‘white’ in the inside.

This seemed to be further perpetuated by watching Christina Aguilera host "Saturday Night Live," as she is very outwardly confused as to her ethnic heritage.

Sunday: I cleaned. I cooked. I did laundry. I grocery shopped. I shaved my legs. I did nothing but piss off feminists across the country.

Which sort of brings me up to today.

I am back to abusing myself by making lists of things that I want to buy, but can’t. At this rate, I should be able to afford the latest spring fashions when they mature to their 70% off status.

It is now 2:35 p.m. and I have still failed to eat my designated lunch-time can of soup, purchased for 33% off at Jewel. It is the first of six cans I will be eating.

Now, there should be no question as to why I drink.

Class dismissed.