05.13.04 | 3:53 p.m.

Last week at the office, I threw out my plastic breasts.

It’s true. For nearly two years I had a nice pair of bulbous plastic knockers hanging on the back of my office door. They were all part of some Halloween costume gone awry. (*The mailroom guy has their matching plastic ass.)

Any way, I wrapped my spare tits lovingly in a T-shirt last Thursday and stuffed them in my trash bin for the cleaning lady to discover.

Aside from my attraction to inappropriate eclectic things, I possess several other oddities.

Such as, brushing my teeth leaves me with not only fresh breath, but also with the urge to immediately go and eat candy. In fact, I prefer to eat candy with a clean mouth. I have already done it twice today. (And yes, I do have cavities.)

I would rather walk in the rain than use an umbrella. I hate those contraptions and have been told that I pronounce the word with too much emphasis on the "um."

I like the taste of burnt… popcorn, bread, big ole chunks of charcoal…

I cannot sleep with the lights on. (note: I can have sex with the lights on.)

And I am going to stop my list there because it is time to go home now.

Consider this part I.