06.17.04 | 3:09 p.m.

What Would Jared Do?

Well, the multigrain really hit the fan today. One of the downtown Subway franchises was out of Diet Pepsi, and to put it mildly the Chicagoland crappy sandwich lovers weren’t too pleased.

I mean how else are people supposed to enjoy their lo-carb cheddar/bacon/mayo wraps! Everyone knows that saturated fats go down smoother with a sugar-free beverage.

Even I was coursed into a refreshing Sierra Mist, which I enjoyed while watching lumpy-butted patrons bitch and moan about the soda selection.

Did any of the 12 sandwich artists onboard think to make a sign? “Sorry, no diet fountain drinks today!

Hell no.

You pull a person off mustard squeezing duty to fumble with pens and paper, and you might as well close down shop.

Everyone also knows that it takes an assembly line to produce a quality, uniformed sandwich, which can be sold with chips and a small (full-sugar) drink for $5.

So as I watched irked women thrust their empty 32-oz, souvenir-style Subway cups back in the face of the emotionless cashier, whilst demanding that their money be returned, I remembered that I hate Subway.

Everyone should know that not even “fresh” baked harvest wheat bread can rectify Subway’s slightly damp, tasteless meat. And I would think that as a person who has been eating canned soup for the past three months for lunch, my expectations would be rather low.

I digest, thank you Savecraig for the lovely meat and potato (chip) lunch.