07.14.04 | 12:44 p.m.

So a bitch and a cunt walk into a boardroom…

That was the scenario moments ago.

This morning I was told that I was to interview my boss’ assistant for a new position in the communications division. When I asked why my boss wasn’t going to do it, she sort of shrugged her beefy shoulders and said, “cause he’s been my assistant for six months.”

As if that was enough reason. I refrained from telling her, “but I’ve been out for multiple beers with him … that I know he owns a kegerator, plays drums in a band, loves heavy metal, talks smack, and does dumb shit like any, normal 22-year old.”

In the interview this morning, I also refrained from whipping out the sarcasm. It was my plan to present him with a bunch of brainteasers -- things like: “If I am older than you, and you are younger than my second cousin, then that make my Dad how old?” I even held back from starring him straight in the eye and asking hard-hitting questions, such as: “How much do you think I weigh.”

No, no. I played it all cool and professional. I told him what I would expect of him, what he could expect from me as my editorial assistant, and then I gave him a writing test.

Meanwhile, HR has woman come in for an interview. First she is whisked off for a typing test (on a real typewriter). Then, she is presented to my boss, who has spent the morning printing off assistant interview questions on the division printer for all (including her current assistant) to see.

So, jumping to conclusions, it appears her assistant has already gotten the new position.

Not so, my friends.

Bringing us up to speed. So, a bitch and a cunt walk into a boardroom that is located about one foot from where the current assistant sits. I am assuming it was out of professional courtesy that my boss and the HR person decided to yak it up over heinous squeals of laughter that they didn’t even know what position they just interviewed the woman for! Oh. My. God. Isn’t that like soooooo funny.

No.

I just hope the current assistant gets the job, since I have absolutely no power at my place of work.

I wish that, in addition to a large bus running over that bitch and that cunt.