07.30.04 | 2:10 p.m.

Papa, Don't Preach.

So I was going to tell everyone all about the intense discussion I had with Dr. C and abortions ...Dr. C is a veterinarian, and the female in "trouble deep" is an abandoned cat named Lilly.

Until that little chat, I had been living in this world 28 years completely unaware that cats could even have abortions. While I was there, I did schedule my Siberian Husky for a tummy tuck and some much needed electrolysis on her upper lip.

I was also going to add a sarcastically composed bit about my modem situation ... it would have involved snippets from an email I got from Earthlink tech support this morning that actually said that my: "MLT is clean. Layer 2 end-to-end ping failed at first... there was a mis-match in the DSLAM... ERX is passing... ISP to verify fservice with the end user... this ticket will be in CPPV status."

Obviously, that clearly translates to: I STILL DO NOT HAVE INTERNET ACCESS.

Oh well. I suppose worse things could happen.

Tonight I'm seeing "The Village."

Tomorrow, I'm seeing a shaved male in a g-string dance around my friend's living room.

Before getting back to spending my last 30 minutes at work listening to Sonic Youth’s "Sonic Nurse" and wishing that I could play guitar, I wanted to add that yesterday while I was stocking up on greeting cards – I still cannot believe I am turning into someone who does that, next I’ll be organizing my greeting cards in a ‘card caddy’ – there was one with a donkey on the cover.

The donkey was sort of artistic, as much as a greeting card donkey can be deemed “art.” Yeah, so you are picturing this donkey. The outside of the card read, “If I were a donkey, I’d be the kind of donkey with one ear up and one ear floppy. That would be my ideal donkey.” The inside of the card read, “Sorry I was an ass, and not my ideal donkey.”

That card made me wish I had gotten in a fight with someone, so I could buy it. This, I am not proud of.

Oh! I also wanted to share that I saw “Tough Crowd” with Colin Quinn the other night for the first time on Comedy Central. Apparently it was the 200th show. Not the point, the point was that Colin and his gang of comedians were discussing Denzel Washington’s July 28 interview with Katie Couric about his new movie "The Manchurian Candidate." Katie asks him some ultra-generic question like, “What do you think of today’s state of affairs?” And, Denzel, being Denzel says something like, “Well, I feel like a modern-day slave…”

The “Tough Crowd” comment: The closest Denzel Washington has ever been to being a slave is picking the cotton out of his aspirin bottle.

That made me laugh.