12.14.04 | 3:15 p.m.

Music Photos 101

My friend would like it noted that this photo follows the general rules of band/music album covers and/or promotional photos.

By that, he means:

RAP ARTIST: I am very rich, very sexually active, and/or very tough. This shall become evident to you by way of the assortment of expensive automobiles, snarling pit bulls, and bikini-clad females featured behind me. My name is also presented in a jewel-encrusted font.

HEAVY METAL ARTIST: I am sexually ambiguous, but also very sexy.

ALTERNATIVE ARTIST: I am emotionless and perhaps not even looking at the camera. One of us is also showing our displeasure with corporate rock by flicking off the camera.

INDEPENDENT ARTIST: Here is a photo of an inanimate object or an old, broken-down building.

LOCAL ROCK BAND: We are hanging out near train tracks or in front of a brick wall.

COUNTRY ARTIST: I got a really good deal on this airbrushed glamour shot at the mall of me hugging my guitar.

FEMALE POP SENSATION: I got a really good deal on this airbrushed glamour shot at the mall of my hair blowing in the wind while wearing a skimpy outfit.

PHIL COLLINS: Here is another album cover that consists of a close-up shot of my face.

p.s. Yesterday the radio in my office turned on, on its very own. My watch also stopped. And today I managed to kill a microwave by walking into a room while it was doing its thing and then having it just shut off mid warming my soup, nonetheless. I suppose that means my telekinetic powers have finally matured and my mom really is an alien. Her skin does have the tendency to eat through metal its true. Shes gone through three bands on her engagement ring already and about 10 years ago her dentist discovered a large, unexplainable mass of metal in her head.