04.27.04 | 1:37 p.m.

My big fat update.

This past weekend began on Thursday for me when I bellied up to my living room couch and television set. While I only had three drinks, the next morning my throbbing headache and severe dehydration suggested I may have made a judgement error in the mixing of those three drinks. When I went to the refrigerator, the evidence was clear: I had poured too much vodka and not enough tonic. Basically, I had downed three tumblers of Absolut in a three-hour period. In retrospect, that is probably why the show "ER" was hysterical. Right? Hell if I know, I was drunk.

So Friday (as I was all good and hungover at work) when I got an invite to an all-you-can-eat Schezwian buffet I was ecstatic. I ate all I could eat.

Later that night I met some friends for Mexican food and $21 pitchers of strawberry margaritas� and $70 later that night I was as good as drunk (again). But before I went home to spilt a half bag of tator tots with the boyfriend, I did my first "fruit loop." This is when you make your rounds around a crowded gay bar. Needless to say, I was ignored completely. I kind of liked that. [side note: the boyfriend did get "the stare" from one guy, which made his night � in a weird, twisted, and vanity inspired kind of way � since he was begining to feel like he didn�t �gay� up to the rest of the men.]

Saturday I was stuck with a double hangover. Me and the boyfriend ate hotdogs and watched "Drum Line" on cable � more out of the comedy of the whole film, since we related to it on no level, whatsoever.

We then caught up with the "Chappelle�s Show" and a Richard Pryor comedy special, leaving us laughing hysterically on the outside, but also feeling very �white� in the inside.

This seemed to be further perpetuated by watching Christina Aguilera host "Saturday Night Live," as she is very outwardly confused as to her ethnic heritage.

Sunday: I cleaned. I cooked. I did laundry. I grocery shopped. I shaved my legs. I did nothing but piss off feminists across the country.

Which sort of brings me up to today.

I am back to abusing myself by making lists of things that I want to buy, but can�t. At this rate, I should be able to afford the latest spring fashions when they mature to their 70% off status.

It is now 2:35 p.m. and I have still failed to eat my designated lunch-time can of soup, purchased for 33% off at Jewel. It is the first of six cans I will be eating.

Now, there should be no question as to why I drink.

Class dismissed.