04.29.04 | 1:44 p.m.

Dear Hallmark. You let me down. Again.

As most are aware, next Sunday is "Mother’s Day"—a day when cards are required. Too bad that most Mother’s Day cards are typically pink glitter splashed sappy letdowns. Meaning or creative cards must be handmade. But like most, I am lazy.

As I spent my lunch hour at the worst Walgreen’s bestowed on mankind, I found this.

A new card low! I had no choice but to get it, modify it (the doghouse originally read ‘Lucky’ and my name is Mandy), and mail it off to the special mother in my life, my own.

On the inside it says things like:

"You brush my coat and pet my head and let me in and out. You keep me stocked with toys to chew and treats I’m wild about!"

Then there are more things like:

"I’ll wag my tail on Mother’s Day in thanks for all you do—’cause it would be a real dog’s life without a mom like you!"

It closes with:

"Woof! Woof!"–which the Hallmark makers have been so kind to translate. It means: "Happy Mother’s Day."

Where do I begin… let’s start with, oh, say, who the hell is the target market for this card? Surely not a pet-owning man who lives with his girlfriend/wife (?) Maybe it is intended for lesbians (?) or really, really confused children who have no idea where they (or the family pet) came from (?)

Other than me, if someone out there could clear up who and why someone would buy this card, it really would help me sleep at night.

Though I have never given birth to a dog, thus knocking me out of the running for receiving a Mother’s Day card from one, I do love animals.

Well, hope my mom enjoys the card, especially since I am sure some idiot gets paid far more than I do to come up with such nonsense.


(That means, I’m out, just like Ryan Seacrest.)